Speak Up

I have just grasped the necessity of this endeavor (can I call it an endeavor without sounding pretentious? I suppose not. Well, those who start out sounding precocious end up sounding pretentious, so I suppose there's no point in me stopping sounding pretentious now).

I am articulate. I say this not to boast, but merely to state a fact. Whether or not I articulate well is up to the audience to decide. I am neutrally articulate. But what I am not, what, indeed, I have rarely ever been, is expressive. I am very good (and here I am boasting) at being very articulate without actually expressing anything (which seems to destine me for a career in middle management, if not journalism). This is not always readily apparent, as people who are less articulate often mistake articulation for expression ("It must have been good... I didn't understand a word"). But it is nonetheless true: I am often articulate without being the least bit expressive (nonetheless... an incredibly articulate word almost perfect in its inexpressiveness).

To be honest, it was intentional. As I grew up, there were things I wanted to hide. Things I wanted to never, ever talk about. So I cultivated articulation while curbing my expression. That way, no one would think I was inexpressive. No one would think I had problems. I spoke too well for that. Now that I no longer wish to hide, that I want to speak up and speak out, I have found myself crippled by my own longstanding habits. I don't even know how to express myself any more. In art and in life, I am virtually incapable of saying anything I want to, except in the narrowest of circumstances.

So this... this is what I need. A soapbox of expression on the most public forum that has ever existed. A shrine of sorts devoted to expression, on a variety of subjects on things that I find interesting, things to which I have something to say. If I can't cultivate expression here, in my own corner of the internet, I'm probably doomed to keep my thoughts to myself for all eternity. Which would, perhaps, be no great loss to the rest of the world, but would be hugely problematic for me.

I need this. At least I need something like this. I hope this works. I am not overly optimistic, but I am virtually never overly optimistic, so in and of itself that is hardly an omen of failure. Hopefully my next post will cease the introspection into the nature of the blogging impulse and actually discuss something of content (although I promise nothing: I am positively addicted to calling attention to the mediums of my expression). Hopefully, if anyone finds this, you will bear with me in my halting attempts at expression of any sort. Feel free to tell me when it isn't working: when I'm vague or unclear, when I skim a surface I should be diving into, when I evade. I have a feeling I will need all the help I can get.

P.S. I would just like to point out that in only my second post, I have out-articulated Blogger. It is convinced that "inexpressivness" is not, in fact, a word, despite all dictionary evidence to the contrary. I'm not sure what this means, exactly, but I will say that I thought it would take me longer than two posts.